And then I eat some chocolate and tell the voice to shut it.

I know it’ll all come together…it’s just that initial “Oh my gosh…what am I going to say!?!” feeling. It’ll pass.

I’ve always wanted to be a speaker at conferences, retreats, and seminars. And whenever I’ve had the opportunity to lead worship or speak at one, I’m completely blessed, humbled, and more prepared for the next one. This is what I want to do with my life…write, speak, and lead people in worship of our Savior. So I can’t wait!!!

This  conference is happening twice, so I’ll be doing my thing at both. One in Livermore (up in Northern California) and one in Riverside (Southern CA). Wayne gets to go with me to the first one {YAY!}, so we will make a trip of it. He’s never been to the Northern parts of California. He’s really missed out! All he knows of CA are beaches, Bakersfield, and the Grapevine. So, we’ll take a little detour before we come home and go to San Francisco and maybe even go over to Mill Valley to see my old 3rd grade home at Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary, and maybe even take a glance at the hill I tragically fell down when we lived there. That’ll be fun.

Then, at the end of February, we’ll go down to Riverside, and I’ll see another old home of mine – California Baptist University. In fact, the conference venue is our old church, Magnolia Ave. Baptist Church. I’ll never forget it…we always sang the song, “The Family of God” at the end of every service. Every. Single. Service.

I must say, it was very comforting – after a year of loss, rejection, and broken dreams – to be invited to teach at these workshops. There are days that I wonder why God gave me gifts but hasn’t opened the door for me to use them in the way I think He should…

But I feel like God is using this opportunity to say, ”I think You’re worthy, and I’m all that matters. I’m not finished with you, yet.”

Ever feel like you’ll never get that advancement? That opportunity? That home? That spouse? Do you ever feel that you’ve prayed and longed for something and it’ll never come?

Friend ~ I feel ya.

I want to encourage you to try to find God’s comfort in the little blessings He sends your way (a lot less fattening than that chocolate I often seek out for comfort). If you’re still on this earth, He’s not finished with your work here, yet.

May the Lord bless you in all things, and may you feel His hand on your life as you walk through even the most disappointing of times. 

But of all the music played and sung tonight, one thing really spoke to my present circumstances and encouraged me:

When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, “Blessed be the Name of the Lord!”

How often do I feel sorry for myself because of the valley He’s leading me through? All the time. I don’t see His plan. I can only see right in front of me a few steps; nothing more. I don’t understand it….it hurts…I want to be on the other side of it already!

But even when I feel the darkness closing in on me, He gives me strength to carry on, so that I can still say, “Blessed be Your Name!”.

I’ve been really discouraged, worried, and downright scared about an upcoming event. In fact, I had the whole, “nobody likes me/eat worms” cry-fest with Wayne a couple days ago. Truth is, sometimes we are so hurt by something, it changes the way we look at the world, at life, at the future, at ourselves.  I like to think that I’m not that easily influenced, but this one really hit me where it hurt.

But what I’ve found is that God really doesn’t leave us or forsake us. I’ve felt Him in the dark times over these past 9 months, and I knew that He was the one holding me up when I didn’t feel like I could do it on my own.

So, back to the reason I’m writing this post. I had the most wonderful talk with a friend today. She’s not a friend who knows me very well, and not a friend whom I’ve known for very long, but she took time out of her day to look me in the eye and say some really genuine words of support. Such encouraging and generously uplifting words.

People need us.

People are hurting everywhere we go. In the office next to you. In the house 3 doors down. At the desk next to you in Chemistry. Everywhere, there are people who need someone to invest in them.  To encourage. To lift up. To pour into them truth, and authenticity, and love.

There’s a woman named Sara, who is close to meeting Jesus face to face. Her friends are celebrating her life and the way she impacted their lives and gave to them – even through her illness and pain. She is leaving a legacy and a model of choosing joy in her suffering. Her friends and family would agree that she has given them more than they ever could give her. Even in her last moments, she continues to invest.

There’s a Mommy who just adopted 2 little boys from Ethiopia. They are living a life that their friends in Africa dream of everyday. She is giving them so much love, so many opportunities. Teaching them English. Getting them new clothes. Taking them to church. Hugging and kissing them every chance she gets. Investing in their little, precious lives.

When you get the chance, talk to someone. Listen to them. Show them your heart. Think of every contact as an opportunity to make a positive difference in someone’s life. It’ll change yours, too!

You entice us with the trendy look and the pleasant aroma coming from within your doors. People walk in and out, and we are literally sucked in by the deliciousness. Once inside, it’s all over. The lighting is dim, inviting us to relax,  kick up our feet, and set aside the worries of the day. The atmosphere is young and hip, reminding us mid-lifers of how simple and easy life was when we were 20. The people sitting in your slick wooden chairs and cozy leather corner-seats range from teenagers to college athletes; business people in suits, to stay-at-home moms sharing stories about their Kindergarteners. The taste is far superior to the Folgers I make at home. Inside the aromatic Brown & Green, it’s another world; time stands still. All of a sudden, I’ve been there for a half hour, or more. And all I came in for, was a quick unsweetened venti iced coffee, light on the ice, room for cream, 1 Equal, half & half, not stirred.  Sneaky you, Sbux. But oh, how I enjoy falling for it everytime…

This week, we didn’t have a full vocal team ~ only Wayne and I led. We are planning to do this maybe twice a quarter, just for something different. It also will allow us to introduce some newer stuff that we haven’t yet gotten to teach the team.

Our setlist looked like this:

My Savior Lives {Wayne leading}

<greeting>

All Creatures of Our God & King {Crowder version~ Wayne leading}

Welcome & Prayer {Pastor}

Blessed be Your Name {Wayne leading} We did this one with a single chord to start off. The piano played an A chord, and Wayne started “Blessed be Your Name…” and then the piano continued single chords until the second half of the verse, drums came in lightly, piano and keyboard built up until at the chorus, it was full volume. Really fun dynamics on this one. Our church hasn’t sung this song, but it’s still very familiar to them, so they really seemed to enjoy singing it.

Then we went from an up-tempo song to a slow You Are Good. Luckily I have an amazing band-leader/arranger, who makes these kind of transitions sound like they were made for each other.

You Are Good {Gateway} ~ one of our very favorites. A little harder for congregation to sing, so we don’t do it often. But this time I wanted to do something really different with it. Look at the videos below, and you’ll get the idea.

Listen from the beginning, to about 3:22. At this point, on the word “forever”, we held it for 8 beats, then the drum kicked 4 beats, building BIG into THIS!……{start at 2:13 and listen to 4:55}

…then {and oh my goodness was that ever exciting!} to wrap it up instrumentally, Jason played that theme on piano that Rick Pino is playing on guitar at the beginning of the song.

Just amazing.

God probably isn’t as amazed as we are… I mean, He formed it. He made the notes, the sounds, the creativity. He designed the patterns, and how they fit with the lyrics. He gifted the musicians with talent & passion. And he created that intense adrenaline rush that happens to me every time we manage to play some really good music.

But even if He isn’t surprised by it like we are, I hope He is blessed by it.

My most intimate, quality time with God is during worship. For some, it’s reading the Word. And for others, it’s prayer. But for me, it’s singing to my Savior.

My favorite lines in this setlist:

The angels dance around You; the earth, it sings about You!

Unto YOU be all the glory, Lord.

This blog post is part of a collection of Sunday Setlists by different worship leaders from all over the world at… http://www.theworshipcommunity.com/sunday-setlists-159

It seems God is trying to tell me something. Just about everywhere I turn, He’s reminding me that His timing is perfect. A song, a blog post, a scripture passage. This verse spoke comfort to me earlier today. It reached down into a place in my heart that is wounded and still a bit speechless. And it reassured me that I don’t have to despair. That there will be a day when His goodness will shine through, past the hurt and the depression and the waiting, and will bring me to the place that He’s called me to. I’m so ready. Ready to live out what I am convinced is my purpose. Ready to serve, and inspire, and reach people for Christ.

So much happened in that moment almost 7 months ago. If I even allow it to flash across my mind, I immediately well up with tears. A dream fell to the ground, and like glass, shattered into a million pieces. Decades of work and study disregarded. A carefully and passionately woven plan was violently unraveled. A trust was broken and truth revealed. Loved ones hurt; betrayed. I can still feel the churning knots in my stomach.

This is the first I’ve written about it. It’s scary, but I am praying that God will help me to write more.  I think there’s healing in writing. I don’t talk about it. In fact I’ve kept rather quiet, because I don’t want to hurt anyone. Even ones who have hurt me.

I know that He has a perfect design, and often times, difficult change has to happen, for that to come about. In Ken Gire’sThe Weathering Grace of God, he describes how the beauty of the mountains and other landscapes came out of devastating upheavals and violent storms. I’m believing that one day, our church will be healthy and whole again. That’s the beautiful landscape that I feel God is handcrafting right now, while we wait.

One thing that has kept me level-headed throughout this has been friendship. Here’s a passage from Ken’s book that speaks to the importance of cherishing relationships when going through a hard time.

We feel our way in the dark. Until we find each other. We huddle together in the storm. Wet and shivering, but together.

And maybe in the end it will be our huddling in the storm that gives us more comfort than our understanding of the storm.

I’m more thankful for real, true friends than I can even put into words. We still don’t understand it. But we are together. We still huddle. Wet, shivering, hurting, comforting one another, even months later. There are few things that matter more to me than these genuine friends.

I’ve learned a lot during this time. I’ve felt the Holy Spirit minister to me so often, keeping me from giving up, encouraging me to press into Him, and press on. I know that He has called me into full time ministry. Everything I’ve done since childhood has prepared and equipped me for it. One day I know that calling will be fulfilled, because, as a very wise preacher said to me last week, Jesus wrote my contract, not man.

And for that, I’m thankful. And I’ll wait on the Lord. To bring healing and bind up the wounds, as He promises in His Word.

And to fulfill my calling, not for my pleasure or gain, but for His glory, in His perfect timing.

And now, on this Father’s Day, I want to thank you, Dad, for all the things you have done for me, and meant to me over the years.

Thank you…

For naming me LeAnn…I like that I’m named after you and mom. 

For going to church with Mom. And listening to Pastor Skidmore. And giving your life to Jesus.

For taking us to church every week, and teaching us about God at home, too.

Thank you…

For family devotionals at Christmastime,

and Easter flowers,

and thankful Thanksgivings.

Thank you…

For not being mad that time I got in big trouble in Kindergarten. (The teacher was being unfair, and I think you secretly knew that).

For picking me up from 2nd grade everyday and taking me to Thrifty for a Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream cone on the way home.

For waking us up one night to tell us we were going to a late showing of The Jesus Movie. I thought you were the coolest Dad ever, to take us to the movie theater in “the middle of the night”.

Thank you…

For family drives, just to drive. It was your way of getting the family together to talk or just have singalongs in the car and be together. I’m thankful that quality time was important to you.

For roller skating outings. {We showed everyone who the REAL skating stars were!}

For being comforting when I was afraid.

Thank you…

For surrendering to the ministry… which meant leaving a great job, and selling the house, and moving your family, to answer God’s call. That’s the most amazing display of real, live  faith I’ve ever seen.

For working various  jobs to provide for us, while going to school full-time, and then some. This allowed you to finish faster, and it required a crazy amount of work and dedication.

For your unrelenting commitment to do God’s will;  then and now.

Thank you…

For trying your hardest to catch me at the top of that hill.

For protecting Mom’s heart in that moment.

For your love and care as I healed, physically and emotionally.

Thank you…

For putting up with my Jr. High years.

For giving me just enough freedom to try and figure out who I was.

For helping me with reports…you are a great writer, and you loved to show me how to come up with the best ways to express myself.

Thank you…

For being nice (mostly) to my highschool boyfriends.

For always trusting me, while setting boundaries and realistic expectations.

For encouraging me to do my favorite thing… to sing.

Thank you…

For paying for years of piano lessons and vocal coaching.

For sending me on tours with the Continental Singers.

For coming to concerts in other cities, just to see us perform again.

For letting me record that ridiculous, operatic version of a musical greeting on the family answering machine. And for not telling me how ridiculous it was.

For always letting me be ME.

Thank you…

For coming to highschool football games and other events, just to hear me sing.

For letting me use your car everyday for school, and not being too mad when I totaled it.

For loving my brother and doing anything you needed to do, for him to be well.

Thank you…

For a wedding that was fit for a princess.

For reassuring me that day in the hospital, that my baby is in heaven.

For being a great Papaw to my children.

For encouraging and praying for me when times got hard.

Thank you…

For standing by me when I went through the toughest and most consuming valley of my life.

For loving me when I was unlovable.

For never letting go of me, or giving up on me.

Thank you…

For showing me that God gives second chances.

For meeting Wayne and giving him a chance.

For accepting him, and his kids into the family.

For another wedding, fit for a princess.

Thank you…

For helping on many occasions when resources were scarce and hope was low.

For being there when our Gracie was born. Lauren still remembers watching the Crocodile Hunter with you because she didn’t want to be in the room.

For being “Papaw” to all 7 kids …and their friends.

Thank you…

For seeing in me something others couldn’t, or didn’t want to see.

For letting me do what I love, and trusting me with it.

For always believing in me, and telling me I’m good at anything I’ve done.

For your integrity; faith; love.

…and so much more.

Sincerely,

Me.

My dad, Dr. Larry Dotson

~Happy Father’s Day~

{keep in mind, I’m just now publishing a blog post from 5.21.11…I’ve been busy! }

Road trip!

Silly kids went up & down that escalator with different poses probably 20 times

He's here! Let's get home!

When Wayne and I married, I also received the title of “stepmom” to 4 beautiful kids ~ 2 girls & 2 boys. When they were younger, they’d spend summers with us…oh, those were some crazy days! 6 kids all sharing one bathroom, making dinner every night for 8, lots of busy-ness. But what a bond they all share. I think the most insane summer was when I was pregnant with Hannah, and all the kids were here. Hmmm…I think that was the same year a certain sparkly-eyed boy caught our house on fire… Over the years, there have been challenges, struggles, growth, bonding, and lots of love shared.
Zachary is the youngest of the 4. I remember when we met…he was in 2nd grade and was the most lovable kid! When I first saw those gorgeous eyes, I melted. Since then, he’s lived here some. We’ve had some ups and downs. It’s not easy being on either side of a step-relationship. But thankfully, we’ve worked through some challenges and I’m proud of the man he is becoming. He has always called me “Mom”, on his own, and he probably has no idea how that warms my heart every time I hear it.

We got home at 2:30am…what a bunch of troopers! Even with a 3am bedtime I still couldnt sleep past 7. This morning I’m feeling especially blessed with my 7 “his, hers, & ours” kids. Children are gifts from the Lord. Wish they could’ve all come for the summer. <3

Haha...it's gonna be a fun summer together

Thank you…

For naming me, LeAnn. I’ve always liked it, and I like that I’m named after you & Dad, combined.
For working at a job that allowed you to be with me after school.
For writing that book with your fancy writing and the stickers in the place of some of the words.  {I still have it.}
For always making our house a HOME.

Thank you…

For allowing me to play piano and take lessons, to develop my gifts.
For keeping me well dressed, well fed, warm, and healthy.
For home-cooked meals and clean sheets.
For lots of visits with my grandparents, making memories I cherish even more now.

Thank you…

For following and supporting Dad when he was called into the ministry.
For making our moves during Dad’s schooling & first churches as smooth as possible.
For working multiple jobs, & still finding time to cook…clean… I don’t know how you did it.
For transforming the hallway walk-in closet into a cozy bedroom for me in our campus apartment at CBC. And wall-papering it. And putting a dresser in there. And making it pretty.

Thank you…

For staying with me in the hospital after my accident.
For trying to stay calm for me.
For covering the mirrors when I was too frightened to look.
For allowing me to heal emotionally, at my pace.
For praying for me.

Thank you…

For staying up with me when I was sick.
For letting me have a cat even though you are highly allergic to them.
For making my clothes when we couldn’t afford to buy them, and even sometimes when we could. {you may not know this, but I was really proud of those clothes}
For letting me comfort you when Papaw died.

Thank you…

For doing all the art work on every single one of my reports.
For seeing past the grades and noticing the problem.
For reading my textbooks to me at times, because I’d retain it better by hearing.
For being a 2nd Mom to all my friends.
For taking me to L.A. to buy my first high school prom dress. It was so pink and fluffy.
For letting me go to the prom my Freshman year. With a Senior. And not following us.

Thank you…

For teaching me how to be a lady.
For allowing me to spread my wings, while setting boundaries.
For teaching me not to talk badly about people, and to be a true and loyal friend.
For teaching me about good character.
For trusting me.

Thank you…

For letting me do my favorite thing, and encouraging me to…sing.
For sending me on a life-changing, 3-month tour with the Continental Singers … twice.
For going to my recitals, concerts, competitions, and auditions.
For being my biggest fan.

Thank you…

For a wedding, fit for a princess.
For a shoulder to cry on when times got hard.
For speaking hope and comfort when we heard “…the baby’s gone.”
For your ear, pressed against the birthing room door, and your heart, full, as we welcomed Lauren….then Erynn….into our lives.
For being such a fun Mamaw to my babies.
For the example you gave throughout my life of how to be a good Mommy.

Thank you…

For walking with me through the hard times.
For not turning against me when I lost my way.
For being a voice of truth in my darkness.
For helping me sift through everything in my brokenness.
For telling me when I was wrong, and when I was right.
For showing grace when others condemned.
For showing love when others showed hatred.
For not allowing me to believe that my mistakes defined me.
For not letting me lose faith in who God made me to be.

Thank you…

For liking him.
For making him feel comfortable.
For encouraging me to start anew…
For welcoming him into the family.
For a beautiful garden wedding, fit for a princess.

Thank you…

For loving his children, and being their Mamaw.
For being with us when Hannah was born, and helping me through a tough delivery.
For loving all 7 of our kids.
For all the handed-down furniture.
For being Wayne’s mom, when his mom lost her battle with cancer, and gained her Heavenly
reward.

Thank you…

For seeing what few could, or wanted, to see.
For never giving up.
For your continued support and belief in us, our ministry, and our future.

Thank you…

For teaching me about Jesus, and then living what you taught.

Thank you…

For all this, and so much more.

I love you, Mom…
                                 …aka Mary Poppins
                                          …aka Mommy Dearest.

You’re the best.
xoxo
~LeAnn

Lately I’ve been…depressed, stressed, feeling unworthy, unloved, untalented, forgotten, and on and on. It’s been a really rough few months. I’ve been struggling with my new job. I’ve been feeling burned out in several areas of life. Trying to juggle a busy job, family, and volunteer/part time worship leading. I’ve been struggling with why I’m in ministry. I love it, but am I really any good at it? Just, a lot.

Today, we had a worship team rehearsal that normally happens on Wednesday, but this week we had to move it to Saturday. And I’m SO glad we did.

I started out the morning playing a new song for us to learn. Some liked it, others didn’t. Nobody’s shy about expressing their opinions. Then I spoke to the team about a couple things, trying to uplift, encourage, inspire…while they were looking at me with blank faces. Feelings of insecurity and inadequacy flooded me. I thought, “I can’t do this. They don’t have any faith in my ability, they think what I’m saying is irritating, not inspiring.” But, though it was uncomfortable, and there was a little negativity and resistance coming at me, I kept pushing through it. I mean, what am I gonna do? I had a job to do, and I still had…53 minutes left of rehearsal, so I figured I better just stay with it. If you are a worship leader, or any kind of leader, you know that sometimes when you meet, it’s just like that.

Tomorrow, we are doing a song that has touched millions…How He Loves, by John Mark McMillan. We love his original version, and we love the Crowder version, but decided to use the Jesus Culture version (more singable key, female-led, easier structure to follow, etc.). We rehearsed it, as well as another new (to us) song, and then went through our Sunday’s music, from the top.  I could see hearts soften as we went through it, and in no time, that 53 minutes was up, and we were into our next hour.

Once we were done going through Sunday’s setlist, we spent a good bit of time on How He Loves- perfecting the guitar part, interlude riff, going over dynamics, vocal parts, and other details. Then we went through the song. And, we worshiped. And it was…wow.

I spoke to the team for about 3 or 4 minutes after that, and it was one of those moments when the Holy Spirit completely takes over and speaks through a person. I don’t know all of what I said. It wasn’t planned, it was brief, but it was passionate. And it wasn’t me.

When you stop and realize how much you are unconditionally loved; and how  what you do in ministry is directly linked to eternity…it occurs to you what a privilege it is to do this. The sacrifice of time and effort is an honor.

Today’s rehearsal was the kind of rehearsal that makes it ALL worth it.

What has God done in you lately to change your focus, your view, your direction, and to give you a glimpse into eternity?