One of THOSE Posts…

Yeah. This is gonna be one of those posts.

The kind where it’s not all cheerful and bubbly, clever and interesting.

This is the kind that probably makes you, the reader, go…”OH”. And not smile, like I really WANT to make you do. You know I like to give you that. But not this time. So…”sorry” in advance. To my 3 readers.

But lately I have nothing really to say. I can kinda fake it in real life, as I am going throughout the day, because I would hate to offend or hurt someone. But my Facebook and Twitter are pretty neglected, and as you can see, I haven’t touched this thing in quite a while.

Because everytime I start to post something, all that comes out is that the day sucked. Or was exhausting. Or that I’m so stressed out that I can’t see straight. Or that my new job is so overwhelming that I can hardly breathe.

And that I miss the time I used to spend with my children and husband so much it hurts. I see Wayne in passing. And my kids- a couple hours at night. I know I’m not the only one. But this is my blog, so I’m just speaking for me.

And that even though I know I CAN be good at anything I try, I know that I’m not really that good at anything. I’ve lost serious amounts of confidence. If I am really called and made and talented enough to do something specific, why am I not doing it?

I’ve gained weight. I need to get my hair done so that at least that one thing that makes me feel pretty can be right…but I have no time to get it done. I know if I lost weight, I’d feel better about myself but everytime I look in the mirror, I see an ugly, depressed and tired person.

I’m STILL reminded, after 10 years, that I got a divorce …a scandalous divorce even, and that some people still haven’t forgiven me from that “unpardonable” sin. And that somehow I was the sole cause of such a heinous crime. I get pretty sick of that. I know I did some bad things and made some bad decisions. But I know I’m forgiven for my part of it all. I’ve spent years seeking the Lord and His heart, and carefully building my reputation back up brick by brick with realness, and truth. I haven’t written my “wholeness and healing” blog post yet because it aches so much when I pull all that out, it’s like surgery with no anesthesia. I’m ok, though. I know that I have the right to feel joy again. I just wish there was a little more grace from a certain, and yes I admit few, people. It’s been 10 freaking years.

That’s where I am, in a nutshell. I’m hoping this dark time I’m in will hurry up and get past me because I don’t even feel like myself. I miss being fun and bubbly. I’m feeling surprised at how loving my husband is to me. Like I don’t really deserve it.

So yeah, this isn’t a fun post to read. But it’s me. It’s honest. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather hear honesty than fluff from my friends. No fluff here today.